Hurricane advice

Subject: Living in paradise

Living in Paradise during Hurricane season

For everyone inside of Florida, here are a few words of wisdom and those
of you who are not in Paradise, an explanation of what hurricane season is
like:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some
radar
blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Iowa and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Iowa.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
required
to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal
to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can
drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by
the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my
kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they are ugly and will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so..
He lives in Iowa. You'll need to win the lottery to pay for them.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should
have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you
live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
lonely. Plan a tailgate party on I-95!

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them ahead of time! Florida tradition requires that
you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In
addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)

3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)

5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)

6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over and over how vitally important
it
is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

Sent to me by a friend that has spent the last 3 years meeting codes,
permits, delays, EPA requirements, and cost over runs to have his home built
and lived in it one winter. The fun part is that it took less time than it
did to build his home in Chicago (Arlington Heights).
--
Dad
04 C5 CE Z51
72 Shark Black/Black/4spd

Dad spoke thusly...

> Subject: Living in paradise
<etc.>

Heh heh heh...brought to you from Dave Barry...

--
-|>|- Diode -|<|-
'68 L-79 Coupe
'79 Triumph Bonneville
Shut up, dave.
Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt.
Actual mileage may vary.

Dad spoke thusly...

> Subject: Living in paradise
<etc.>

Heh heh heh...brought to you from Dave Barry...

--
-|>|- Diode -|<|-
'68 L-79 Coupe
'79 Triumph Bonneville
Shut up, dave.
Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt.
Actual mileage may vary.

I wondered where Mike got that, sounds like Dave, Berry, that is.
--
Dad
04 C5 CE Z51
72 Shark Black/Black/4spd
"Diode" > wrote in message
t...
> Dad spoke thusly...
>
>> Subject: Living in paradise
> <etc.>
>
> Heh heh heh...brought to you from Dave Barry...
>
> --
> -|>|- Diode -|<|-
> '68 L-79 Coupe
> '79 Triumph Bonneville
> Shut up, dave.
> Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt.
> Actual mileage may vary.

I wondered where Mike got that, sounds like Dave, Berry, that is.
--
Dad
04 C5 CE Z51
72 Shark Black/Black/4spd
"Diode" > wrote in message
t...
> Dad spoke thusly...
>
>> Subject: Living in paradise
> <etc.>
>
> Heh heh heh...brought to you from Dave Barry...
>
> --
> -|>|- Diode -|<|-
> '68 L-79 Coupe
> '79 Triumph Bonneville
> Shut up, dave.
> Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt.
> Actual mileage may vary.